im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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