We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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