dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
