She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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