I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
