Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
