i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
