Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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