so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
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I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
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IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"