just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
