i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
