can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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