A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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