I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
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