uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
