I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
