First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Sober January is a disaster.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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