Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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