She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Randomize
