I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
