Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
