Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
