even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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