He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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