I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
