If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
