awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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