I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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