Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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