There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
