Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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