im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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