Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
