see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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