So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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