i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
