Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You need Xanax blowdarts
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
