I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
