Already got asked if we're dating
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
