I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm sobbing to NWA
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
