I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
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She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
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DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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