It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
