it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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