The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
i believe in u and ur pee
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
