i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
