I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
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Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
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Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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