The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
