She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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