last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
