I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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