I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
