I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
