I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
