You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
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Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i dont even know how to be here
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
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I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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