i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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