Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm always down for nudity.
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