So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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