hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You don't make any sense
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